MUSIC: THE AUTUMN MIXTAPES 2
“This Loneliness Won’t Be the Death of Me”: 10 Being as an Ocean Songs for Our Achy Hearts
by MERCY FERRARS
I have long been drawn to the sonic fusion where spoken word meets (melodic) post-hardcore. As a writer, I find the ocean within me resonating with the lyrical narratives of these bands. In the melodic post-hardcore genre as played by bands such as La Dispute, Casey or Hotel Books, aching emotions cascade forth, raw and poignant, as if they were drawn directly from the depths of the artist’s heart and bleeding into mine. This genre creates an unparalleled intimacy felt by its audience towards its writers, forging connections with complete strangers who, like ourselves, grapple with emotions so rarely mirrored in the world around us. Screamy vocals give voice to the anguish and sorrow that continually rend us asunder, day by day, all while we attempt to conceal them beneath a facade of normalcy. These are the words that, if spoken aloud, might find themselves homeless, adrift like castaways at sea, just as we often are—both artist and listener—lost amidst the vast expanse of our own emotions, like oceans merging and colliding.
“This Loneliness Won’t Be the Death of Me,” a song on Being as an Ocean’s record Dear G‑d, finds me unprepared on the bus one night, as I drive through the darkness of this city to get ice cream, covering up the fact that I feel utterly alone and don’t know what to do with myself at home. It’s a feeling I’ve grown all too familiar with—the pervasive sense of isolation that occasionally envelops me. Thankfully, this past year has seen it wane, thanks in no small part to the sustenance of my friendships. But in those solitary moments, like the quiet interludes amidst the hum of the bus or the stillness of a candlelit dinner, it rears its head again, cascading over me in waves, when the trees outside sway and I lie in bed alone, fall for fall for fall, falling.
“This season brings darkness so profound/I’ve become lost and can’t seem to be found/Contorted, racked with pain/I know I should feel free, yet I continue to sing this sad refrain/I can’t sleep and food has lost its taste/God, I’m so sick of this place.” Indeed, the sentiment of weariness with one’s surroundings is one we’ve all known.
If you find yourself feeling the same, perhaps you will find solace in exploring my Being as an Ocean playlist on Spotify, a sonic companion through the turbulent sea of emotions in which we sink and swim and drown.
“This Loneliness Won’t Be the Death of Me”
Clawing at my chest
Looking for some sort of reprieve
I swear this isn’t the end
But when will I feel comfortable in my own skin?
“Black & Blue”
Like the autumn chill
Like the love that failed me
Let the earth remove me
Black and blue
“Find Our Way”
I can’t climb inside your head, or shoulder the load you carry
Never cried the tears you’ve shed, but we have all known misery
If you go it alone, you forgo all chance of rescue
I know you feel lost, but I’m here to wander with you
Shake the death from your bones
The Poets Cry for More
We’ve been led into the wilderness
by some radiant lover, just to be left in the cold
A distant memory, the warmth of home
‘Cause in the heat of bliss, we swore we would never love another
Death Can Wait
We can’t keep living like death can wait
Well I can’t get too close without wanting all of you
Romanticism seduced by the beauty of form
Those supple lines, a familiar warmth
I’ve got you in my veins
Track marks and blood stains
Found pleasure in my pain, baby
You’re in my skin
And I wear my heart on my sleeve
So you can watch it bleed
Mercy Ferrars is a MA graduate in philosophy and writes fiction, poetry and non-fiction essays. She is madly in love with Scotland, dogs and Bojack Horseman.